When Motherhood Becomes Me



CELEBRATE WHAT?

It was exactly a year ago when I took the pregnancy test for the first time. Two red lines -- positive. For married couples wanting to build a family, this is a definite call for celebration. I would have too, only the timing wasn't right. My boyfriend (whom I've been with for two and a half years then) and I were not married, and had no plans of being one. For a relationship being in constant argument and "mini" break ups, settling down was a far-fetched thought even though we're in our late 20's. Well honestly, at some point, I had hoped that he'd be the last person I'd be with, only if our situation would change.

I was pregnant, and I thought that maybe it's about time to think of our future together... to work things out between us... and finally, to get married and be a family. Unfortunately, not his thoughts. He wasn't feeling the same way. Being in that complicated situation, untimely bearing a child, and not sure where we're heading to, I was heavily devastated. There were thoughts of being a single mom, of not letting the child knew of his father. There were lots of anger.


WHO SAYS BABIES ARE BLESSINGS?

They say babies are blessings. I say that too, only for the sake of saying just to console myself, though I cannot see how they become blessings. This pregnancy gave me morning sickness, body pains, had affected my work and lifestyle, and not to mention the emotional torture and everyday crying. People were telling me to just enjoy pregnancy, but in no way could I absorb that thought. How could I if I can no longer do the things that I enjoy like dancing, running, eating sushi (oh my!), just to name a few. Not to mention the heaviness and uncomfortable movements inside me that I cannot imagine nor understand. I was being restricted... and all of these were not part of my plans, at least not my short-term plans. I had to set aside buying a car, furnishing my house, buying a camera, as I had to save for my delivery.

I thought that after my pregnancy, that's it! That's the end of my sacrifices. But no, it was just the start. Painful contractions, more than 20 pushes to have this big baby out. I even had UTI right after my delivery causing pains on my lower back and sides, and difficulty in urinating. Breastfeeding even made everything challenging. The never ending latching, all-day-all-night that I had to learn eating and doing things with one hand. Toilet breaks and bath time had to be compressed in less than five minutes. I had to de-prioritize my career to give more focus on my fast growing baby. There was no "me" time. I had to think of my baby's welfare all the time. All of these made me ask God, why do I have to go through all of these? Why women had to experience these?


THE ANSWER

It took a while before everything sank in. It started when my baby smiled at me for the first time. It was a genuine smile that radiates a certain extent of positivity. I then recalled the first time I saw his beating heart and how I nourished him in my womb for nine months to become what he is now -- a 4-month old baby boy. No man can exactly understand the feeling of a mom bringing life form into this world. It took all those difficulty during my pregnancy and delivery for me to appreciate what God had given me. I had to experience them to realize this greatest love I can ever have for a person -- a mother's love. For the first time, I felt I have greatly contributed to someone's life. For the first time, I've felt I am deeply needed by someone, that someone is depending on me, and I want to give the best for him.

My child is a blessing. His presence turned my partner and I's relationship 180 degrees. If before we wait a week or less for the next major argument, now we seldom had a misunderstanding and if we do, it hardly lasts a day. Maybe parenting has an accompanied instant maturity? I thank God for giving me a happy baby who always brightens up my morning with his giggles and smiles. He gives me the strength to go on despite the difficulties of being a first time mom. He gave me direction and a new purpose in my life. I guess this is what God wanted me to realize.




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About Jessa Acosta

4 comments:

  1. Glad to have read this madam, I somewhat felt all the hard work and experiences you've went through so far through your writing :) Hope you're doing well with your son

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  2. very honest write-up and obviously written from the heart ;)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Shie! :) Maybe that's the key, writing from the heart :)

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